It’s review season. 

It’s the time of year when thoughts turn to highlighting accomplishments in the quest for promotions and more money. 

Said no one ever to their boss, “You know, I didn’t have a great year. I have more to learn and need to become more effective, so I don’t think I should receive a pay raise and I’m not ready for a promotion.”  

Few of us will ever be self-aware enough to recognize that this may be an accurate assessment of where we are in some years. Having written reviews and reviewed hundreds of self-evaluations, I know that, as a rule, most of us are generally wildly optimistic and selective about our performance.  

Ultimately, this is simply being human. But this is a behavioral trap. 

If we do not have a realistic assessment of how we have performed, we will learn more slowly. And, when our bosses provide their assessment, we may be shocked and surprised.  

Because noses get put out of joint, and most of us would far rather avoid conflict than lean into it, all too often the review process becomes a dance around what we would like to say but don’t. With compensation tied to reviews, the stakes are high and egos are in play. What should be a learning experience, often isn’t.   

Most will put the onus on managers to provide actionable feedback. If they don’t do it, too bad for them. And woe unto the manager who gives what appears to be a positive review but a below expectation hike in compensation.  

Employees are more responsible for this cycle than they may want to admit. We all may say we want the truth, but a barrier for many managers looking to provide honest assessments of performance will be, to quote Jack Nicholson in a Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth.”  

The truth can make us stronger and better professionals, but it is hard for managers to share and for employees to receive it.    

To break through these barriers, if we really want the truth, we need to ask for it in a way that encourages truth telling, by giving or asking permission to share an honest evaluation - warts and all. It’s a take the red pill moment.  

The problem with asking permission is that, in certain contexts, it implies the need to be deferential to others. This can be taken the wrong way, so it’s important to frame conversations in ways that implicitly create opportunities for truthful dialog and insights into what we can do better. A two-way conversation, in which manager and employee can be as open as possible, is a powerful way to receive feedback that leads to actions that enhance performance.  

One of the most important moments in my early career at Ogilvy & Mather PR was when I went to a mentor and said, “I want you to tell me what I can do to do a better job. I want to know, no matter how personal.” As a result, I was told the truth: I needed to listen and respond more slowly, wear suits that fit, and socks that were longer!

The key takeaway was framing the question in a way that removed barriers to honesty. “I really want to know” got me actionable feedback. It also underscored to the people I worked with that I had a learning/self-improvement mindset – a key to others investing the time to help us develop our careers.  

For some of the highest performing companies and highest performing professionals, the idea of asking for feedback is built into their DNA. An acquaintance who worked at Facebook shared with me that, after every presentation, the question was what could have been better.  

As an employee or manager, the willingness to ask this key question needs to start with the willingness to hear the truth. The foundation for this is self-confidence. But not the type that stops you from listening. Rather, it’s the self-confidence of knowing that every bit of feedback and insight can be applied to personal and professional growth.

For those who may not start with this confidence, asking for feedback offers a path to finding success because you are more likely to learn what you are good at and less good at. This can accelerate career choices and avoid the deadly trap of hanging on to a job that isn’t a good fit.  

Just asking what you can do better, but not doing anything about it, will not move you forward. The openness to feedback has to be followed up by the willingness to take action. Sometimes this may involve simple quick changes, and other times it may be a long and slow process.  

Life is a marathon. Seeking and getting honest feedback from our managers or people who are willing to help us in our careers, is an investment. The benefits may not be realized until the 10-mile mark, or close to the finish line, but the rewards will come.  

If we don’t get feedback, we are running blind and most likely will go off course or run out of steam. When we have people along the way guiding us – because we ask them to – we increase our chances of success.