Breaking News My Nightmares Are Gone Thanks to Trump and a Lifetime Supply of MAGA Steaks

For decades, I had the same nightmare: The U.S. is being bombed by Russia, China, North Korea and Iran.

As a result, at least once a month, I restocked my underground fallout shelter, which dates back to the first Cold War era, with healthy nutritious foods with long, very long “use best by” dates, after making certain that they adhered to Robert F Kennedy Jr. guidelines. I also made certain that the vials of antidotes were kept up to date to counter all the poisonous vaccines that the not to be trusted CDC forces upon us.

Over the years, I’ve spent millions of dollars and wasted thousands of hours undergoing psychological counseling about my nightmares.Not even the most eminent psychologists can help those who are delusionally convinced that Biden was fairly elected—after all, everyone knows Democrats only win when Taylor Swift rigs the election in their favor.

But President Donald J. Trump, glory be to God, was able to solve my nightmares problem by setting me straight. He told me that my fears were misplaced. Russia, China, North Korea and Iran were not the enemies. The real enemies were the “deep state,” and mainstream media that is controlled by the countries to the north and south of the U.S. – Canada and Mexico. 

“But not to worry,” said the “Only I can fix it” president. “Only I can help you and if you believe in me and purchase the many products I have hawked, I will.” I immediately sold my 10,000 shares of Berkshire Hathaway stock and purchased Trump endorsed steaks, vodka, guitars, watches, silver coins, bibles, MAGA hats, sneakers, digital trading cards and Trump’s personally endorsed, guaranteed B.S.

And he already has helped me and also every other American, except those illegitimate “birthright” phony citizens, by renaming the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf of America, even though we’re the only country that recognizes the name change. And by slapping tariffs of 25% on products from Canada and Mexico.

Being a loyal American, I immediately stopped eating my long -time go-to food favorites of burritos, enchiladas, tamales and guacamole and now chow down on Peking duck, blini, kimchi and tahdac. 

Being a loyal American, I also refuse to buy or use Canadian product imports, which can include, oil, electricity, uranium, baked goods, Canola oil, beef, pork, autos, chocolate, grains, frozen fries, cereal, fats, iron and steel. 

(How the president missed putting tariffs on piñatas or Chihuahuas from Mexico or cold winds and snow from Canada is beyond me, especially from the “most perfect person ever,” as I was told he says each morning, noon and night when looking into a mirror, and also between each breath.)

Now that President Trump has made it clear who our real enemies are, I no longer go to the theater or watch on television any program whose cast includes Mexicans or Canadians. They have been replaced with my new favorites, films of newsreels of the Jan. 6 insurrectionists invading the Capitol, especially those who killed five police officers and injured more than 100 others, as GOP Rep. Andrew S. Clyde (R-Ga) narrates the assault on the Capital as a “normal tourist visit,” and President Trump says the rioters were “patriots” and “hostages,” who were treated unfairly by being prosecuted for breaking the law, causing damage to the Capitol and violently attacking police officers.

Actually, I was suspicious of Mexicans and Canadians before the Almighty One acted. Whenever I dined in a Mexican restaurant, I had a suspicion that the waiters were trying to recruit me as a spy, because whenever I left a generous five percent tip they would say, “muchas gracias.” But when I left a similar tip in an American restaurant, the waiters would chase me down the street yelling, “Keep it buddy. You probably need it more than we do, or worse.”

And after explaining his reasoning for the tariffs on Canada, I now can clearly see that the Canadians instigated the trade war by claiming that Canadian bacon is superior to our good old American bacon with its high content of saturated fat, sodium, and processed meat components that clog arteries, but keep manufactures of statins and cardiologists in business.

Replacing my dreams that the U.S. is being bombed by Russia, China, North Korea and Iran is a new nightmare: That my in-laws from Canada are coming for an extended visit.

I hope that I have spent enough money on Trump endorsed products so he’ll honor my request to put an embargo on my Canadian in-laws from visiting.

That would be worth my paying 100% more for products from our northern and southern foes. But I can only hope and keep my fingers crossed that he’ll be doing so before they arrive in the U.S. And if he does that, I swear that I will never ever again go to a Taylor Swift concert, but I’m not yet ready to give up on Beyonce.

As a PR person, I’ve had plenty of practice hoping and keeping my fingers crossed. I do so whenever I make a pitch to a journalist. And when I get up each morning, hoping my hair had changed from grey to orange.

Addendum

When I told my wife that President Trump cured my nightmare problem, she said, “I can assure you that his actions will result in your having nightmares that will continue even after his term of office expires.”

And based on his first term as president and less than a month in office during his current term, I fear that she might be correct.