Please Pardon This Parody of Pardoning
Thomas J. Madden, Chairman and CEO, Transmedia GroupFirst, if you don’t mind, I would like to add a few pardons of my own.I want to pardon my daughter for giving me so many nuts for Christmas. They were in this humongous bag stuffed in a large wicker basket wedged between two odd couple bottles, one containing rubbing alcohol, the other my favorite vodka. Thanks Adrienne, I’ll be cracking, rubbing and chugging all year long! But it was the thought for which I thank you.Next, I would pardon Roger Stone for wearing those ties, tight vests and jackets, capped by that black fedora top hat and dark glasses like he just came strutting out of a gentlemen’s parlor during the roaring twenties.Then I hasten to congratulate my esteemed client Peter Ticktin who was the lawyer who presented the petition to President Trump to pardon Boca Raton, Florida real estate mogul James Batmasian. The crime to which Batmasian had pled guilty involved a technical tax evasion matter, while he does much to help homeless and other charities.Coincidentally, Ticktin wrote the latest and probably most favorable book about Trump, “What Makes Trump Tick: My Years with Donald Trump from New York Military Academy to the Present.”Then I would pardon President Trump himself for over pardoning all his cronies like Stone. While left-leaning media clocks him exceeding the pardon limit in his waning days in The White Igloo, conservative media pardon him for not wearing his face mask at those jam-packed rallies that looked great on TV, but were perhaps as much virus spreaders as vote getters.Next, on a more somber side, I would pardon my Black American friend Lamar who has already spent over 20 years in prison for fatally shooting someone during an early-morning dice game outside a Houston night club.Lamar Burks must have been one hell-of-a-craps-shooter for at the time evidence shows he was at his sister’s wedding in Louisiana. Still, Houston DA Kim Ogg refuses to take her proverbial knee off poor Lamar’s neck so he’s near forgetting what it’s like to breathe free air, poor guy.I also would pardon another prisoner, William Hawley, who wrote a book about an alleged “serial killer,” the billionaire Robert Durst, which I subtitled “Dursturbed.”My PR firm TransMedia Group just set up “Help Rebuild a Life,” a GoFundMe account for Bill, so when he’s finally released on February 24 after serving a draconian 18-year sentence for non-violent offenses, he can devote what’s left of his life to raising awareness of the need for prison reform.While serving his time in Virginia, Hawley has evolved drastically and deeply repents his past criminal actions in Florida where he was convicted. He spent a big chunk of that prison time for walking off a minimum custody work detail, a mistake he deeply regrets.During his time behind bars, Hawley has become a devout Christian, a skilled writer, an academic and an advocate for justice.I pray that the COVID-19 rapidly spreading in his prison doesn’t clip his wings.
